Goal Setting, Self-Compassion, and the Change Paradox

Many people enter the new year full of motivation to improve their lives through habit changes. Setting intentions, whether on New Year’s Eve, during therapy, or in any other area of your life, can be a helpful motivator and bring your life more in alignment with your values. The dark side of these intentions, however, is the judgment we heap upon ourselves when we don’t measure up. How can we stay motivated to become who we want to be without letting our inner critic take over when we don’t meet our goals?

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The Change Paradox

The Change Paradox is frequently discussed in therapy, though often indirectly. The Change Paradox states that in order for us to become the version of ourselves we want to be, we must first accept who we are. This concept can feel baffling or frustrating at first. Many people have been taught that motivation for change comes only from emotions such as shame and guilt, and therefore have difficulty believing that positive emotions can be effective motivators. Given this common belief, it makes sense that practicing self-compassion when we fail to meet our goals can feel nearly impossible and that practicing self-acceptance BEFORE changing can seem counter productive (“Why would I change something about myself that I can accept?”). If we think about how we seek to motivate others, however, through supportive words and gestures, it becomes clear that we can do so for ourselves.

So What Does This Look Like In Action? 

A helpful place to start is to assume that you are trying your best, and there is a genuine barrier (other than a core personality trait) that is preventing you from meeting your goals. For example, people often jump to beliefs like, “I’m lazy” when they are unable to meet their goals around exercise. This assumption piles on the feelings of shame and can be fatalistic. It’s much harder to change our personality than it is to change our behavior. If we assume there’s a barrier, however, we can start to explore what’s going on underneath. Maybe what’s needed is actually a different type of self-care, an earlier bedtime, a different approach to exercise, or support from a loved one before you’re able to meet your goal. If the inner critic takes over, however, we often fail to find solutions, instead assuming that if we just tried harder, were more disciplined, or cared enough that we could meet our goals.

Balancing Acceptance and Change

Building self-compassion is easier said than done. A helpful first step is to practice self-validation. I often work with people who are very comfortable validating others, but struggle to do so for themselves. A recipe that I like for practicing self-validation is: 

Identify the reason for the underlying emotion/behavior + focus on your values + gently challenge the behavior. 

For example: “It makes sense that I am feeling guilty about not making it to the gym this week. I value being healthy and it’s been hard to practice self-care recently while I’ve been feeling so tired. Next week I could try stretching at home each morning to build the habit.”

Learning how to treat oneself with kindness is often a lifelong process. It’s rarely the goal that people enter into therapy (or the new year!) with in mind, but moving it to the top of the priority list can be transformative. If nothing else in your life changes, at least the inside of your mind will be a more peaceful place to inhabit.

Autumn Devitt, LMFT, LCAS

Autumn currently works with adolescents and adults ages 16 and up on a variety of issues, including anxiety, depression, trauma, relationship stress, self-esteem, ADHD, and substance abuse.IAutumn uses an eclectic, systems based approach. This means that she will help you explore and gain insight into how you are impacted by the people and systems you interact with regularly and tailor her approach to your specific needs.

Meet Autumn

Do you need support in your self-compassion journey? Schedule now!