When Love and Grief Exist Together (National Family Caregivers Month Part II)
Sawubona: I See You
“Grief is love's shadow.”
I've often reflected on this observation throughout my years accompanying individuals and families through experiences of loss. Where there is love, there is also the possibility of grief. Not because love inevitably leads to suffering, but because the people, relationships, and experiences that matter to us can change in ways we never anticipated.
For caregivers whose responsibilities may continue for months, years, or even decades, grief may emerge through changes in relationships, expectations, and the familiar rhythms of everyday life. These losses can be difficult to recognize or name, particularly when the person receiving care is still present.
In this second installment of Sawubona: I See You, we explore three concepts that can help us understand these experiences: anticipatory grief, ambiguous loss, and the loss of one's assumptive world.
Anticipatory Grief
Anticipatory grief refers to grief experienced in anticipation of a significant loss. Although frequently associated with approaching death, it can also involve anticipated changes in health, independence, relationships, or familiar ways of living.
A recent review by Rodriguez Colmenares and colleagues (2026) highlights how changes in relationships and caregiving responsibilities can contribute to anticipatory grief among families caring for loved ones with dementia.
For example, a caregiver might grieve the possibility that a loved one will eventually require a level of care they can no longer provide at home. Even before that transition occurs, uncertainty about what lies ahead may bring sadness, fear, and a sense of loss.
Ambiguous Loss
Ambiguous loss describes losses that lack clarity or a recognizable ending. Research presented by Chan and colleagues (2024) highlights how dementia can affect family relationships, identities, and familiar roles, creating experiences of loss that may remain unresolved.
Consider someone caring for a spouse with dementia. Their loved one remains physically present, yet changes in memory, personality, or communication may profoundly alter their relationship. Familiar ways of connecting may change or become less accessible, without a clear moment of loss or the acknowledgment that typically accompanies grief.
Loss of the Assumptive World
Sometimes caregiving challenges the fundamental beliefs and expectations through which we understand our lives. We may find ourselves grieving not only what has changed but also the future we once imagined.
In a study of dementia caregivers and parents of medically complex children, Cooper and colleagues (2026) examined how caregiving can involve losses connected to relationships, roles, and expectations for life.
Consider a parent whose adult child develops a serious, long-term health condition requiring ongoing assistance. Plans for retirement, financial security, personal freedom, or family life may change dramatically. The parent may grieve not only what has happened but also the life they expected to live.
These experiences can overlap. A caregiver may grieve changes in a relationship, anticipate additional losses, and struggle to reconcile present circumstances with the future they once imagined.
When Emotions Seem to Contradict One Another
Grief can bring emotions that seem contradictory. A caregiver may feel sadness over changes in a relationship while remaining grateful for moments of connection. They may fear what lies ahead while wishing for relief from the demands of the present.
For some, these experiences are accompanied by guilt—guilt about feeling frustrated, needing a break, or mourning a life that has changed in ways they never anticipated.
Yet these feelings do not diminish a caregiver's love or commitment. They reflect the complexity of caring for another person while navigating losses of one's own.
Not every difficult caregiving experience needs a clinical label. Sometimes what matters most is recognizing that grief can exist even when the person we love is still with us.
You can love someone deeply and still grieve what caregiving has changed.
To the caregiver holding love and grief together:
Sawubona. I see you.
And your grief matters, too.
Next week: Caring Without Losing Yourself — exploring caregiver identity, emotional exhaustion, boundaries, and the importance of recognizing your own need
References
Chan, A. C. Y., Perkins, C., Garcia, L., Lyons, S., Hernandez, F., & Singer, J. (2024). Ambiguous loss and resilience in the family context of dementia: A meta-synthesis [Conference abstract]. Innovation in Aging, 8(Supplement 1), 693. https://doi.org/10.1093/geroni/igae098.2264
Cooper, R. A., Burke, T. J., & DeGroot, J. (2026). Coping with loss in caregiving: Comparing the experiences of dementia family caregivers and parents of medically complex children. Health Communication, 41(4), 695–705. https://doi.org/10.1080/10410236.2025.2526815
Rodriguez Colmenares, N. A., Alvarez, L., Gilbreath, J., Markaki, A., Schexnayder, J., & Puga, F. (2026). Anticipatory grief among caregivers of people living with dementia: A scoping review. Palliative & Supportive Care, 24, e130. https://doi.org/10.1017/S1478951526102478
Christopher Henson, LCMHCA
Christopher works with adults experiencing grief and loss, anxiety, depression, caregiver stress and burnout, serious illness, and major life transitions. He has particular interests in supporting bereaved spouses and partners, men seeking counseling, caregivers, clergy, healthcare workers and other helping professionals, and individuals navigating spirituality, religious trauma, or changes in personal beliefs.
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